From Waterkloof to Sun City, there is no doubt that the Guptas are balling hard. We asked bra Chester Missing what five things he would do if he were a Gupta. Pulling no punches and hitting where it hurts, this is what he said.

If I were a Gupta:

– I’d put Loyiso Gola in the suitcase, because that’s where he puts me.

– I’d set up a commission of enquiry to investigate that weird shape at the back of Jacob Zuma’s head.

– I’d change the name of that shopping centre in Joburg, from SOUTHGATE to GUPTAGATE, so everyone can feel like they were in on the action.

– I’d get cabinet ministers to end their parliamentary reports by dancing like Dr. Malinga.

– I wouldn’t give any money to Helen Zille.

Catch the Chester Missing Road Show at the Market Theatre in Johannesburg until the 2nd of June. Chester Missing is on Facebook and Twitter.