Twitter is a world of it’s own; filled with people who make logging onto the network an experience. Here are five types of people who make Twitter entertaining for me.
The world is full of fuckboys and Twitter’s no different. Fuckboy Twitter is made up of dudes who call women “cakes”, “betties” and routinely cheat on their significant others with someone they met on their timeline. How do you spot one? Easy. Anyone who regularly “slides into girls’ DMs”, starts any tweet with “Hoes be like…” and is either shirtless while biting on their lip in their profile picture is almost always a fuckboy.
Follow them for… Don’t. But if you want relationship advice from serial philanderers and updates on Chris Brown’s latest releases (he’s the patron saint of fuckboys), hit the follow button.
Blessed and Highly Favoured Twitter
Next to Hotep Twitter (more on that later), this is probably Twitter’s most annoying subsection. As the title suggests, the “Blessed and Highly Favoured” contingent believe they are their deity’s favourite children. A week isn’t complete without them posting some material achievement (a car, promotion, new nipple piercing) with a “Look at God” caption.
Follow them… for selfies and pictures of breakfasts captioned with random Bible verses.
Remember the guy in varsity who sported dashikis, read nothing but Biko and spelled Africa with a “k’? Imagine if he got a wifi connection and 140 characters and you’ve pretty much summed up Hotep Twitter.
They believe that the pyramids were built by aliens; that J. Cole is the smartest rapper alive and that the 9/11 bombings were orchestrated by a secret society that plans to usher in a New World Order in the next few decades.
Follow them for… tips on how to open your third eye, how to astral project to Saturn and back during your lunch break and how to align your chakras.
This is Twitter’s newest – and most divisive – faction. Simply put, Woke Twitter’s what happened when Black Conscious Twitter, Feminist Twitter and Humanities Twitter came together.
Their timelines are usually replete with talks about cisheteronormitivity, white cisheteropatriarchy, pedagogy and intersectional feminist praxis. If you’re having a hard time understanding any of that, don’t ask. Consult Google. Woke Twitter is actually a secret society of tweeps planning the depopulation of the world, so they’re not too eager to share their syntax with anyone outside of their faction.
Follow them to… find out just how much of a despicable human being you are and what sort of “privilege” of yours needs checking.
“Love lives here” Twitter
We’ve all had that friend who’s recently gotten into a relationship and is a bit too eager to broadcast their undying love for their significant other to the whole world. You know what I’m talking about. Holding hands in public, matching tattoos and mushy texts sent back and forth between each other. Imagine that amplified about a million times over; that’s “love lives here” Twitter. Subscribers of this faction usually populate their TLs with pictures of their partners, photos from their “baecations” and heart emojis professing “how lucky I am that I found you.”
Follow them… to remember what it was like to fall in love at 13.