Live Mag

6 scenarios in the life of a smug vegan

by: Jamie Petersen - 27 March 2015

 

Meat-eaters (the mudbloods of society) get so much hate from vegans. Smug hashtags such as #whatvegansdo, #whatveganseat, #crueltyfree, #vegansdoitbest and #guiltfree do nothing but increase how annoying vegans are. In an interview by V Magazine last year , 20-year-old singer and vegan Ariana Grande had the nerve to say that American non-vegans look like cows. In her point against drinking milk, she said, “Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they” Ouch! Okay, we get it. We really do. Veganism is good for your health, the sustainability of the planet as well as animals. But there is no need to shove it down people’s throats, and being vegan does not make you one hundred gazillion times better than others around you.

The path of self-righteousness leads not to vegan paradise, it only leads to articles like these. I’m sick of hearing the judgement. So I’m giving some of that love back. Here’s my take on the life of a vegan…

 

1. At a braai with non-vegans…

Makes a point of telling all non-vegans how bad the chicken or meat they are consuming is for their health. And no matter what topic is being discussed, veganism will trump any issue. It could be the cure to Ebola or even the solution to ISIS.

 

2. Ordering take-aways…

Complains that there’s not enough vegan options to get take-out from. It turns into a 2-hour escapade, in which he or she tirelessly searches for vegan take-out, only to go back home and chop up some lettuce with a side of wheatgrass juice.

 

3. A night out…

Only hooks up with fellow vegans, in fear of contracting some ridiculously over-exaggerated meat associated “disease”. Thus, getting little to no action, ever.

 

4. Going shopping…

What is shopping? The vegan carefully sources clothing and food from a select few upmarket, hipsteresque markets.

 

5. At school or college…

Only associates with fellow vegans, on a good day with vegetarians, but never lacto-ovo vegetarians.

 

6. At  work…

Subconsciously tries to convert at least one co-worker a month into the vegan lifestyle.

On their birthday, brings a vegan cake to work and leaves with almost two whole slices gone.

 

 

Illustrations by Oratile Motlhabane